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Finding Love (and Marriage) After 50

July 2009

By Amanda Newton

So what happens now that you find yourself single in your 50s, 60s, 70s and even 80s?

Is dating out of the question? And if not, how in the world do you go about finding someone to date?

To answer the first question; no, dating is not at all out of the question. Whether you find yourself single due to divorce or the death of a spouse, dating is still a very viable option for you. If it is something that you want to do, then, by all means, put yourself back out into the dating game.

The second question is a bit more complex. Finding someone to date or have a relationship with as an older single is not quite as easy as dating was during your school days. That is not to say it is impossible, but rather, it takes a bit of effort, some thinking outside the box, and maybe a bit of luck, too.

Lynda Herzog-Pope was a “very young” 55 when she placed an ad in the Shreveport Times personals 14 years ago. At the time, the personals were free for those wanting to place ads and Herzog-Pope figured it was a safe way to meet potential suitors.

She made a three minute recording that men could call and listen to. If they were interested, they could pay to leave a recording of their own for her to retrieve. The header for her ad read “Young for 50ish.”

It pays to be honest when posting an ad of this type, or a profile on a dating site, and Herzog-Pope was.

“I had said I was high maintenance, a social butterfly and a fashion freak,” she recalled.

She received a total of 114 replies and promptly wrote up a 100 question survey of things she wanted to know about these men before she met them. Based on their survey responses and a phone call to hear their voices, she ended up meeting 20 of them in person.

Then, she went back and listened to the response left by the last person to respond to her ad.

“His voice was so inviting and professional,” she said. “He had lost his wife three months prior to the day he saw my ad. He was looking in the car ads and his eyes somehow just went to the personal ads. He had been married 24 years and his wife, prior to her death, had been ill 10 years. I thought he sounded like a very devoted and loyal person.”

After calling up the man Herzog-Pope now refers to as “The Pope,” they talked for three hours and she agreed to meet him.

She had a friend drop her off at a local restaurant. Soon, a man walked in and caught Herzog-Pope’s eye.

“Over leg of lamb we sat there and talked until we closed the place,” she said. “That is how it started. We have been married for 13 years and not apart since we met. When we fell in love it was almost at first sight.”

Herzog-Pope and “The Pope” dated almost a year before marrying. She “had been married many times before” but has now found lasting love - and through the personal ads no less.

“I could never get past the seven year mark with any marriage but I have almost doubled it with him. He is the end - the living end. I just wish everyone the same luck I had or that fate treats them so well.”

Back when Herzog-Pope was using the newspaper personal ads, internet dating was not yet available. Today this option can be very useful for single seniors wishing to meet new people.

Internet dating is what brought Shreveport residents Bob and Wilma Hicks together, despite the fact they were separated by about 2,000 miles when they first “met.”

Bob, 79, was divorced and living in Santa Rosa, Calif. He had been on one dating site that was “ungoverned and had lots of wild stuff on it.” He quickly extracted himself from that site and found Christian Singles Dating, a site that was “a real clean operation. The least little thing and they will boot you right off the site, which I appreciated very much.”

Meanwhile, in December of 2002, Wilma, 74, was widowed and living in Shreveport. A friend mentioned that several people she knew had used Christian Singles Dating and she helped Wilma set up a profile.

It wasn’t more than a few weeks before her profile caught Bob’s eye and he sent her a virtual bouquet.

They began e-mailing back and forth and then Bob asked for her phone number and they began calling each other, some of the conversations lasting two or three hours.

After two months, Bob said he would like to come out to Shreveport to meet Wilma. She reserved a motel room for him and they met at the Flying J.

“I don’t think either of us was a bit nervous,” Wilma said. “When you get this age you don’t get too nervous over things like that.”  

The visit was apparently a good one because Bob told Wilma his trips would be more frequent.

“I told her that I would most likely not let more than two weeks go by that I was not here to see her,” Bob said. “We courted for six months and saw each other every two weeks, at the most every three weeks. I thought it was the best if I traveled, but she did come out (to California) with her son and her sister.”

About five months after their first in-person meeting, the question was popped and the couple celebrated their sixth anniversary this year.  

Friends and family had some mixed emotions at first about the couple marrying after meeting on the internet.

“There was general approval, but some disapproval,” Bob said.

“I think a lot of times people remember the instances where there have been bad results from people meeting on the internet then planning to get married,” Wilma said “I have two sons and they were a little frightened for my sake and said I didn’t know anything about this man. They didn’t realize he and I had really been truthful with each other. We had really tried to be detailed in our life with each other before we decided to get married.”

“It was not as if we were total strangers,” Bob said. “At least that’s how I felt. We were very up front and honest. And our ages kind of dictated that…I think all the game playing that people might do in their teens or twenties - that is out the window. At least it was as far as I was concerned. And remember, it was a Christian site.”

Both Hicks think people’s ideas about internet dating have changed over the years as more people become familiar with the concept.

“I would hasten to say, along the way when we have had occasion to visit with people about this, I have always suggested to them to always to be cautious, especially the women,” Bob said. “I think we were both cautious.”

While internet was very successful for the Hicks, it doesn’t work for everyone.

LaMerle Rupe, 56, has tried internet dating for over six months without any success. After not meeting anyone for several years, she decided to give eHarmony, a popular dating site, a try but has not been pleased with the experience.

“I went ahead and signed up and sent them payment,” Rupe said. “I started talking to people on the computer. I would get to talking to somebody and about the time I would get to know them, I would get a message that they had been dropped. No explanation; they had been dropped from eHarmony. Communication would shut off. I couldn’t get to touch with them and they couldn’t get in touch with me.”

Rupe paid about $300 to use eHarmony and said she does not plan to give them another cent. Even though she has seen several people’s profiles on Match.com, another dating site, that she likes, she has decided not to put any more money into the endeavor.

Rupe has been divorced for over 20 years and said it is very difficult to find suitable people to date. As a homebound teacher, a teacher who teaches students too sick to attend school, she has limited contact with people during her work week.

She is a member of her church’s singles group and goes out with them once a week. Still, she doesn’t feel that she has a safe way to meet new people, she said.

According to Matt Day, who runs the singles group at Broadmoor Baptist Church, that is a common problem for the people in his group.

“The goal of our singles group is not for people to meet and date, but for them to meet each other and connect with each other,” he said. “The hardest thing for senior singles, and even younger singles, is to find a safe place to meet other singles. Of course, some people do meet at church and in fact, I met my wife at church.”

Rupe is looking for someone at this point that she can be friends with and marriage is not what is on her mind now.

“As a homebound teacher I have days that are bad because those kids are in bad situations and it affects me more than I want to think about,” she said. “I am looking for somebody I can be a friend to - someone that I won’t mind picking up the phone and calling if I have had a bad day and I just need to talk.”

If a friend of hers was thinking of computer dating, Rupe said she would steer them away from it. But she hasn’t given up on finding the right person.

“I will just leave it up to the fates. It will get better.”

The fates certainly played a part in Jonnie Marshall’s current happiness. Marshall’s first love, her boyfriend when they were both 17 years old, is now back in her life. When he was abruptly sent off to college at LSU, the relationship pretty much ended. Marshall enrolled in nursing school here in Shreveport and later served as a cadet nurse at Centenary during World War II. He was drafted into the Navy but did send her an engagement ring in the mail.

“I told him it was too small and he got another and sent it back, thinking I was talking about the size and I was talking about the diamond,” she recalled with a laugh. She still has the ring.

Both eventually married other people and lived happy lives. Marshall, 83, raised a daughter and worked up until about 6 years ago as a nurse. Two years ago, Marshall had been widowed for 14 years when John Jackson, her teen love, came back into her life.

“Women can live by themselves,” she said. “I was accustomed to my life; did my charity work, traveled and spent a lot of time with my grandchild. I was happy with my life.”

Jackson, who still lives in their hometown of Winnfield, had kept in touch through mutual friends with Marshall and began courting her again.

“We have a good relationship,” she said. “It is nice to have someone to take you out. It is a very relaxed atmosphere - very easy going.”

Although Jackson wants to get married, Marshall said she is very happy with the way things are now. They have a lot of fun together and have gotten to know each others’ families.

If a friend in a similar situation asked for her advice, Marshall has some at the ready.

“I would tell them if they found the right person that they could have fun with (to go out with them), but not just to go out to take up slack in their time. They could devote their time in some other way unless it is a special person.”

Apparently Jackson is a really special person.

For senior singles, especially those who have lost a spouse, the fear that their dating might upset their children or grandchildren might hold them back. It really shouldn’t.

In fact, Marshall’s daughter, Margaret John, couldn’t be happier about her mother’s relationship with Jackson.

“I think it is wonderful,” John said. “It doesn’t take the place of my father, but it gives my mother someone she can feel comfortable with to do things with. I don’t see it as a replacement; I just see it as something that is good and healthy for her. It keeps her young.”

The relationship has benefits for John’s son as well.

“He will go to my son’s ball games which is good because both of my husband’s parents are dead, so my son really doesn’t have a grandfather. He is like a surrogate grandfather.”

Most adult children want their parents to have a full life of their own. John sees her mother’s new relationship as a great way for that to happen.

“It gives her an outlet besides me. Since I am an only child, it gives her another way to go and have fun. Then we can talk about the good times she had. It gives her something apart from me and my family to add to the conversation - another dimension to her life.” Sheri Davidson, MSW, LCSW, has a local practice and specializes in aging and care giving. She said the biggest challenge facing senior singles is that they haven’t  

been out in the dating game in a very long time. These singles want to meet people but wonder how you go about that and how you know who is safe.

Both the death of a spouse and a divorce bring about challenges for the newly single.  

“Being a widow or widower is a difficult issue but also very common,” she said. “With the loss of a spouse, there is a lot of grieving that goes on and that makes it difficult to know whether it is alright (to date). I think there are some conflicted issues about that.”

Davidson said we have been taught to think of marriage being to one person and being forever. For some people, if they lose their life partner, they might feel that dating again is a betrayal of that person who has passed away.

Also, the grieving process used to be something that a person did for the rest of their life. If you think you are supposed to grieve forever, it can be hard to accept that you have a desire to become social again. There are guilt issues that must be dealt with.

Women tend to live much longer than men and it is not uncommon to lose a spouse in ones 60s and continue to be widowed for 20 or 30 years..

“Very often, what I will say to a patient is ‘What do you think your husband or your wife would want for you. If you are going to live another 15 or 20 years, do you think that they would want you to be isolated and alone?’ Usually the answer to that is no.”

Companionship and socialization are very important in mental health, Davidson added. You don’t want to let an older person become isolated.

“If you stop interacting with people, you essentially stop using your brain, which puts you at great risk for dementia,” she said.

Senior singles who choose to re-enter the dating game are people who want a full life, she said. They do not necessarily want to remarry, but not necessarily for the reasons people think. Sometimes it is an economic issue. If you remarry, you give up the benefits a spouse might have had and that is not always an economically wise thing to do.

One thing Davidson wants all people to understand is that older people still have a sexual life and still have sexual activity. It is, she said, a very important human experience. “Having a sex life past the age of 60 is not at all unusual. It changes, but is still a very important part of their life. Elderly sex is a very vital part of moving on with your life.”

“The thing that comes with that that is most concerning to me in dating and sexual activity after the loss of a spouse is, for some reason, older

people don’t think about the necessity of safe sex,” she cautioned. “Safe sex is very important. Not because you are going to get pregnant. That is not going to happen, of course. The fact is the elderly population is a very high percentage of those who are contracting STDs, including AIDS. It is merely because we haven’t really educated the elderly public and nobody is talking to them about the fact they can get all of the same things that younger people can get if they have sex.”

Safe sex is something you have to do throughout your lifetime, Davidson said. It is important to ask any potential partner if they have had other partners, and if they have been checked and tested. Although it is horrifying to many older people, they must visit their doctor and find out what they need to do to have safe and protected sex.

“A lot of doctors are uncomfortable with this,” Davidson said. “We have made it such a taboo that we don’t even allow the ideas of older people having sex, much less being concerned with the same things younger people are. Older people so often can’t imagine that the person they are going to be having a relationship with could have contracted a disease, and, of course, they can.”

Ultimately, if a person can get past the initial grief after the loss of a spouse, they will find themselves feeling open to the idea of dating again.

“Generally, if you have been in a relationship and it has been a good relationship, you have expectations of being able to love again,” Davidson said.  

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