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Disabilities Affect Everyone in the Family

June 2008

By Lori Berry, LMFT

Acknowledge that a major change has occurred and that it affects our emotions. Some feel overwhelmed or angry when the roles of parent and child are switched as the child begins providing care for the disabled parent. Some feel depressed by the loss of independence as a disabled person or as a caregiver. Some with disabilities worry that they are a burden on their loved ones. Other family members grieve when they lose their loved one to dementia. Whatever the emotion we feel at that moment, it is best to accept the emotion for what it is. There is no right or wrong way to feel in these circumstances, but we must find ways to express these emotions and deal with them in a healthy manner.

Families should remain involved in the lives of their senior loved ones as well as the life of the main caregiver. When friends hear of someone who has become disabled they are often unsure of what to say and do, so they simply do nothing and seem to disappear. Additionally, if the disability causes a person to move from his/her home, the new residence may be located farther away from familiar social circles. The family may become the social support during this time. When numerous family members participate, the task becomes manageable; however, if one person must be the only social support, the emotional health of both is at risk. Some family members find themselves devoting all of their time and energy to caring for their loved one while neglecting themselves. Soon, they find that their own friendships have faded away for lack of nurturing.

Family members should join together to accomplish the tasks of physical care. The process of running errands, lugging bulky walkers or wheelchairs in and out of vehicles, and pushing the wheelchair across parking lots to doctor appointments is exhausting in addition to the strain of providing direct care such as transferring, lifting, bathing, and dressing. In addition, those providing physical assistance should use proper techniques and keep themselves in good physical health to prevent injury.  

Sound financial planning is one of the best preventative measures to reduce stress during an already challenging time. For those with disabilities, finances frequently play a large part in their quality of life. Can they pay for the medical services and medications that they need? What do they do about long-term, inpatient medical care? Finances are definitely one of the top concerns for people with disabilities.  In turn, their families find themselves attempting to sort through financial records so that they can assist in bill paying. Utilizing resources such as the local Council on Aging, estate planners, and attorneys specializing in elder law are a few of the resources available.  

Families are strengthened when they come together for spiritual support. A life-changing event such as a disability can lead to a crisis of faith. Some may question, “Why me, God?” People who were once active in their church or synagogue may find themselves unable to perform the duties that once gave them purpose. The family may be unable to take the disabled loved one to their church or synagogue. The disabled person may be the spiritual leader of the family, and the family may be unsure if they should continue relying on the person as their leader. Families can support their disabled loved one by maintaining their own spiritual health and by encouraging their loved one to maintain his/her spiritual life through prayer, devotionals, and scripture reading and by being a spiritual encouragement to others.

Being aware of how disabilities affect families is vital to adapting well to the changing circumstances of disabilities. Families can also contact services such as social workers and other mental health professionals for additional support so that those “Golden Years” may be a little less “rusty.”

Lori Berry, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at The Center for Families, a non-profit counseling agency providing counseling on a sliding fee scale. She worked with senior citizens and their families for nine years. She holds a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy from Northeast Louisiana University in Monroe, Louisiana, and a Certification in Gerontology from Bossier Parish Community College.